A young couple Got married and Went on theirbhoneymoon.When They Got back the Bride quickly called her mother.How did the honeymoon go.? Very romantic..She suddenly burst õut crying"But mama as söön as we returned Sam started üsing the most horrible language.""what was the terrible things that He said.They Were all four letter words and you Got to come and take me home.Well what Were the awful words.They Were dust,Wash,iron and cook."ill pick you up in 20 minutes said the mother.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies" he replied "Oh. !killing any?" she asked. "yep, Three males, and 2 females," he replied. "How can you tell them apart?" she asked.
He responded "Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone"
A lady woke up from her sleep and said to her husband"I Dreamed you have me a diamond necklace for valentines Day."what does that mean?"the husband replied "you Will know this evening."in the evening He returned with a small package with a book on "the meaning of dreams
The president of a leading country was teaching His children the spelling of Assassination.one ass behind another ass behind that I and then the whole nation.
I was at my bank today there was a short line.there was just one lady in front of me,an Asian lady trying to exchange yen dollars.it was obvious she was irritated.... She asked the teller"why it change? yesterday I got two hunta
(Continued)dollar of yen today I got only 80.?why it change? The teller shrugged his shoulder and said"fluctuations" The Asian lady says "fluc you white people too.
A woman had twins and gives them up for adoption.One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is namedAmal the other goes to a family in spain and they named him Juan.Years laterJuan sent A picture of himself to his own mum.Upon receiving the picture she says to her husband that she wished she also had a pic of Amal.Her husband responds"but they are twins if you have seen Juan you've seen Amal.
And God promised men that good and obedient women would be found in the corners of the earth,then He made the earth round and laughed and laughed and laughed .
One day a man walks into a dentists office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth."eighty dollars," the dentist says."that is a ridiculous amount" the man says"isn't there any cheaper way?""well the dentist says"if you don't use an anesthetic I can knock the price down to $60 Looking annoyed the man says"that's still too expensive" okay says the dentist.If I save on anaesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers I can knock the price to $20 .Nope moans the man it's too much.well said the dentist if I let one of my students do it I suppose I can knockt the price to $10."marvellous says the man "book my wife for next Tuesday!"
Dad could you pick me up "Why asked dad" Well the teacher suspended me because when she told me there is an idiot at the end of your pencil.I asked her "which end"
"A CHUCKLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY: THERAPEUTIC HUMOR AND LAUGHTER" MacDonald CM
There are several beneficial efforts attributed to humor and laughter, including improved immune function, increased pain tolerance, and decreased stress response.
1. A husband feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. "Here's what you do," said the Doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone, see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and the husband was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner? " At last comes a response "Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad, Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES. Love Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Vinnie
A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
A Scotsman,planning a trip to the Holy land,was aghast when he found it cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. Hoot mon he said in Scotlandi it would a ha been more than twenty dollars. That might be true said the travel agent but you have to take it into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked. Well at $50 an hour. For a boats aid the Scotsman"it's no wonder He walked"
A friend in front of me was coming out of the church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always did to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
Then the pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
The friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”
Pastor questioned him, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?'' The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.'' ''What about the green one?'' the man asks. The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.'' ''What about the red one?'' the man asks. The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.'' The man says, ''What does HE do?'' The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''
As manager of an electronics shop, I ordered a part, number 669, from the factory. When it arrived, I noticed they'd sent me part 699 instead. I fired off an angry letter and sent it back. A few days later, I got the replacement. It was the same part, along with a note containing these four words: 'TURN THE BOX OVER'.
Hygiene is in the eye of the beholder, I've decided. One lunchtime I watched the woman in the sandwich shop spreading mayonnaise on my bread, and noticed part of her grubby work shirt was dragging across it. "Excuse me," I ventured, "your sleeve is in the mayo." "No problem," she reassured me. "I need to wash it anyway."
For all those people who know there's something wrong with their cars but have no clue what the problem is or how much it'll cost to fix, here's a chart from my mechanic's garage, along with prices: Ping, Click, Ping- $10 Click, Whir, Click - $30 Clunk, Whir, Lunk - $50 Thud, Clunk, Thud - $100 Clang, Thud, Clang - $200 I Can't Describe It - $500
Uncle Leroy got a job down at the Broom Factory. On his first day the straw boss (Floor supervisor)calls ol' Leroy into his little office and says, "You the new man huh? What is yer name?" Leroy replied "Leroy" The straw boss says "I don't call anyone by first names. It breeds familiarity and that leads to breakdown in my Authority. I refer to all employees by last names; Now what is Your Last Name!" Leroy sort of smiles and says, "Its Darling - Leroy Darling! The Straw Boss said "Now Leroy the next thing........"
Back Seat Johnny A woman was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her 7 yr. old son, Little Johnny. She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her. After getting caught in a large group of car's flying down the road she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit. Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind. She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car. As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?" Little Johnny piped up from the back seat, "I do! Because you couldn't catch the other cars!"
The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."
At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets. Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie. The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis. Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests. "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant. "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.'' -
A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were discussing business during a dinner.
Catholic: "I have a large fortune... I am going to buy CITIBANK!" Protestant: "I am very wealthy and will buy GENERAL MOTORS!" Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince... I intend to purchase SABIC*!"
They then all wait for the Jew to speak... The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says: "I'M NOT SELLING!"
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist's office. Martin says to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have three buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! Today is Friday and we have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:15 already... ".
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have a tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks Martin, "Which tooth is it sir?"
Martin turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth and show him dear......."
A priest dies and is waiting at the Pearly Gates of heaven. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?'
The guy replies, 'I'm Mike, retired American Airline pilot from Chicago.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' So Captain Mike goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands to his full height and booms out, 'I am Father David, pastor of Saint Mary's church for the last 51 years.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?
'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When the pilot flew, people prayed...'
Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign warning, “Danger! Beware of dog!” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
“Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?” he asked the owner.
“Yep, that’s him,” came the reply.
The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”
“Because,” the owner explained, “Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him"
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking
ReplyDeletearound with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting Flies," he responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males and 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell which are female and which are male?"
He responded, "The 3 flies were on a beer can and the 2 flies were on the phone."
In Bombay dad's other name was Raj Kapoor, this was when he had his hair grown.
ReplyDeleteA young couple Got married and Went on theirbhoneymoon.When They Got back the Bride quickly called her mother.How did the honeymoon go.? Very romantic..She suddenly burst õut crying"But mama as söön as we returned Sam started üsing the most horrible language.""what was the terrible things that He said.They Were all four letter words and you Got to come and take me home.Well what Were the awful words.They Were dust,Wash,iron and cook."ill pick you up in 20 minutes said the mother.
ReplyDeletehaaaaaa!!! .....good one Deana!
ReplyDeleteA woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
ReplyDelete"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies" he replied
"Oh. !killing any?" she asked.
"yep, Three males, and 2 females," he replied.
"How can you tell them apart?" she asked.
He responded
"Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone"
Hi Tony
DeleteThis is the same joke I have already uploaded, but it is a good one! See the first joke above.....haaaa!!
Della
A lady woke up from her sleep and said to her husband"I Dreamed you have me a diamond necklace for valentines Day."what does that mean?"the husband replied "you Will know this evening."in the evening He returned with a small package with a book on "the meaning of dreams
ReplyDeleteDeana, I guess, he must be like me!!!
ReplyDeletehaaaaaaa!!...
ReplyDeleteYou are correct. I knew I read it somewhere but did not realise that it was here. Anyway it is a good joke.
ReplyDeleteAn atheist scientist came to God and said, “We’ve figured out how to make a man without you.”
ReplyDeleteGod said, “OK, let me see you do it.”
So the atheist bent down to the ground and scooped up a handful. But God stopped him and said, “Oh, no you don’t. Get your own dirt!”
The president of a leading country was teaching His children the spelling of
ReplyDeleteAssassination.one ass behind another ass behind that I and then the whole nation.
Deana, good meaning of assassination.
ReplyDeleteI was at my bank today there was a short line.there was just one lady in front of me,an Asian lady trying to exchange yen dollars.it was obvious she was irritated....
ReplyDeleteShe asked the teller"why it change? yesterday I got two hunta
(Continued)dollar of yen today I got only 80.?why it change? The teller shrugged his shoulder and said"fluctuations"
ReplyDeleteThe Asian lady says "fluc you white people too.
Haaaaaaaaa!!...good one Deana
DeleteA woman had twins and gives them up for adoption.One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is namedAmal the other goes to a family in spain and they named him Juan.Years laterJuan sent A picture of himself to his own mum.Upon receiving the picture she says to her husband that she wished she also had a pic of Amal.Her husband responds"but they are twins if you have seen Juan you've seen Amal.
ReplyDeleteDoctor.......which soap do you use
ReplyDeleteSardar.......gopal soap,gopal paste and gopal brush
Doctor.......Is that an international. Company.
Sarda
haaaaaaaa!! I like this one!
DeleteSardar.......it is my room mate
ReplyDeleteAnd God promised men that good and obedient women would be found in the corners of the earth,then He made the earth round and laughed and laughed and laughed .
ReplyDeleteOne day a man walks into a dentists office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth."eighty dollars," the dentist says."that is a ridiculous amount" the man says"isn't there any cheaper way?""well the dentist says"if you don't use an anesthetic I can knock the price down to $60 Looking annoyed the man says"that's still too expensive" okay says the dentist.If I save on anaesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers I can knock the price to $20 .Nope moans the man it's too much.well said the dentist if I let one of my students do it I suppose I can knockt the price to $10."marvellous says the man "book my wife for next Tuesday!"
ReplyDeleteDad could you pick me up
Delete"Why asked dad"
Well the teacher suspended me because when she told me there is an idiot at the end of your pencil.I asked her "which end"
haaaa!! good one again!
Delete"A CHUCKLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY: THERAPEUTIC HUMOR AND LAUGHTER"
ReplyDeleteMacDonald CM
There are several beneficial efforts attributed to humor and laughter, including improved immune function, increased pain tolerance, and decreased stress response.
1. A husband feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
ReplyDelete"Here's what you do," said the Doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone, see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and the husband was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner? "
At last comes a response
"Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
A very good joke indeed, haven't heard one like this for a long time. Poor Ralph, I hope he gets a hearing aid soon.
ReplyDeleteThe Italian Tomato Garden
ReplyDeleteAn old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie
A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
ReplyDeleteA couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
Hahaha good jokes
ReplyDeleteA Scotsman,planning a trip to the Holy land,was aghast when he found it cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee.
ReplyDeleteHoot mon he said in Scotlandi it would a ha been more than twenty dollars.
That might be true said the travel agent but you have to take it into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked.
Well at $50 an hour. For a boats aid the Scotsman"it's no wonder He walked"
good one Deana!
ReplyDeleteThe Army of the Lord
ReplyDeleteA friend in front of me was coming out of the church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always did to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
Then the pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
The friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”
Pastor questioned him, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”
He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
ReplyDeleteThe assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''
Very good one Della.
ReplyDeleteSo true of most bosses
ReplyDeleteAs manager of an electronics shop, I ordered a part, number 669, from the factory. When it arrived, I noticed they'd sent me part 699 instead. I fired off an angry letter and sent it back. A few days later, I got the replacement. It was the same part, along with a note containing these four words:
ReplyDelete'TURN THE BOX OVER'.
Hygiene is in the eye of the beholder, I've decided. One lunchtime I watched the woman in the sandwich shop spreading mayonnaise on my bread, and noticed part of her grubby work shirt was dragging across it.
ReplyDelete"Excuse me," I ventured, "your sleeve is in the mayo."
"No problem," she reassured me. "I need to wash it anyway."
For all those people who know there's something wrong with their cars but have no clue what the problem is or how much it'll cost to fix, here's a chart from my mechanic's garage, along with prices:
ReplyDeletePing, Click, Ping- $10
Click, Whir, Click - $30
Clunk, Whir, Lunk - $50
Thud, Clunk, Thud - $100
Clang, Thud, Clang - $200
I Can't Describe It - $500
Uncle Leroy got a job down at the Broom Factory.
ReplyDeleteOn his first day the straw boss (Floor supervisor)calls ol' Leroy into his little office and says, "You the new man huh? What is yer name?"
Leroy replied "Leroy"
The straw boss says "I don't call anyone by first names. It breeds familiarity and that leads to breakdown in my Authority. I refer to all employees by last names; Now what is Your Last Name!"
Leroy sort of smiles and says, "Its Darling - Leroy Darling!
The Straw Boss said "Now Leroy the next thing........"
Back Seat Johnny
ReplyDeleteA woman was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her 7 yr. old son, Little Johnny.
She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her. After getting caught in a large group of car's flying down the road she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit.
Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind. She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.
As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"
Little Johnny piped up from the back seat, "I do! Because you couldn't catch the other cars!"
Know Your States
ReplyDeleteThe old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.
He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.
They came up with about 40 names.
He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.
One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."
At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets.
ReplyDeleteSoon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie.
The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis.
Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests.
"We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"
Two kids were deciding what game to play. One said, “Let’s play doctor.”
ReplyDelete“Good idea,” said the other. “You operate, and I’ll sue.”
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
ReplyDelete"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
Two factory workers are talking.
ReplyDeleteThe woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
Good jokes Della.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteA group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.'' -
ReplyDelete4 International Businessmen
ReplyDeleteA Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were discussing business during a dinner.
Catholic: "I have a large fortune... I am going to buy CITIBANK!"
Protestant: "I am very wealthy and will buy GENERAL MOTORS!"
Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince... I intend to purchase SABIC*!"
They then all wait for the Jew to speak...
The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says: "I'M NOT SELLING!"
Martin Goes to the Dentist
ReplyDeleteMartin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist's office. Martin says to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have three buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! Today is Friday and we have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:15 already... ".
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have a tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks Martin, "Which tooth is it sir?"
Martin turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth and show him dear......."
The Priest and the Pilot
ReplyDeleteA priest dies and is waiting at the Pearly Gates of heaven. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?'
The guy replies, 'I'm Mike, retired American Airline pilot from Chicago.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' So Captain Mike goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands to his full height and booms out, 'I am Father David, pastor of Saint Mary's church for the last 51 years.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?
'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter.
'When you preached - people slept. When the pilot flew, people prayed...'
Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign warning, “Danger! Beware of dog!” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
ReplyDelete“Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?” he asked the owner.
“Yep, that’s him,” came the reply.
The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”
“Because,” the owner explained, “Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him"